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Amy Bloom’s thought-provoking book, In Love, tells the story of the “accompanied” suicide of her husband, Brian Ameche. Brian was a former varsity football athlete at Yale and an accomplished architect.
After Brian was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, he made the decision to end his life, rather than engage in “the long goodbye.” Amy recounts their journey to find an acceptable way to fulfill his wish. Ultimately, they had no viable option other than to travel to Zurich, Switzerland where, under tightly regulated circumstances, “accompanied” suicide is legal.
There are several life lessons from this book, some of which I doubt the author intended to convey.
Unwanted advice
If there was only one way to live a rich, fulfilling and intelligent life, most of us would quickly adopt it.
Unfortunately, it’s not that simple.
We are all unique, with different psychological backgrounds and diverse personalities.
I have previously written about a fundamental misunderstanding underlying presentations by motivational speakers. The basic theme of many motivational talks is that, if you emulate the speaker’s (often inspiring) experience, you’ll be rewarded commensurately.
It’s not true. What worked for them may not benefit you.
This faulty logic isn’t limited to motivational speakers. It applies with equal force to all our interactions.
When Amy and Brian conveyed their decision to friends and family, they encountered no end of advice. Some was supportive. Other input was negative and condescending.
Those in whom they confided fell into a trap common in the advisor/client relationship. They mistakenly assumed those two highly educated, thoughtful people, confronting a massive tragedy, wanted their advice.
They didn’t.
The problem was compounded by the nature of the advice so freely dispensed. Just like motivational speakers, their friends and family projected their own biases and assumed whatever they would do (or thought they would do) in similar circumstances, would be helpful to Amy and Brian.
It wasn’t.
A better response
Recently, an advisor (who is my client) called. He wanted to discuss the way he handled an inquiry from a prospect.
The prospect asked this question: How would you deal with risk in my portfolio if I retained you?
The advisor told me he explained his approach to asset allocation, global diversification rebalancing and tax loss harvesting. He wanted to know if that was “the right answer”.
I asked him how long it took to give that explanation (about 10 minutes) and how the prospect reacted (“non-committal,” which is why he was concerned).
Whether someone is relating an experience to you or explicitly asking for your advice, the knee-jerk reaction is to give an opinion.
What if, when Amy and Brian disclosed their tragic circumstance, the response was more like this:
That is so incredibly sad. What can I do to help?
How are you coping?
Tell me more about how you came to that decision?
More AUM. Better Relationships.
Guaranteed
My micro-learning course will increase your AUM and deepen your relationships.
If not, I’ll give you a 100% refund of the $29.95 cost.
Volume discounts are available.
How can I be supportive of both of you?
I asked the advisor this question:
How do you know what kind of “risk” was at issue?
He assumed it was market risk. What if his client’s focus was on something entirely different, like the possibility their account would be hacked or even the integrity of the advisor?
I have no idea if the response given by the advisor was “right” or wrong.
Instead of giving a mini-lecture on market risk, here’s a better response:
Can you tell me more about the nature of the risk that’s of concern to you?
He then would have been able to provide the “right” answer, which would have been responsive to what was on the mind of the prospect.
The takeaway
Warren Buffett is famously credited with stating that “investing is simple but not easy.”
Improving communication and achieving positive relationships and higher conversion rates are both simple and easy.
Ask questions.
Dan trains executives and employees in the lessons based on the research on his latest book, Ask: How to Relate to Anyone. His online course, Ask: Increase Your Sales. Deepen Your Relationships, is currently available.
Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.
