A Tense Dinner Leads to a Surprising Insight

The father of the estranged son immediately responded: “What exactly qualifies you to give this advice?”

Our dinner ended shortly thereafter on this tense note.

What can you glean from this experience?

A processing problem

Most of us believe our views are the “right” ones, even though others may disagree.

You can’t persuade anyone that their opinion on any subject of consequence is wrong. It turns out there’s a science-based reason why this is true.

There’s evidence the brain filters out information that’s inconsistent with our beliefs. Our brain stem has a network of neurons which determines which information we consider. These neurons filter information and decide what should receive our attention. Contrary information often isn’t permitted access. The information that does get through tends to be consistent with our pre-existing beliefs, since that information is easier to process.

Even if the well-meaning person offering advice at our dinner was providing a valuable insight, it’s unlikely her views would have been processed by the aggrieved couple, much less evaluated.

An unintended insult

Assume a client comes to you with this problem: His adult daughter has a drug issue. He is concerned that leaving her a large amount of money could do her harm.

If you provide an immediate “fix” (like “set up a trust”), what message are you sending? It’s likely you’re trivializing the problem and making the client feel inadequate (or worse) for not coming up with this resolution.

That’s precisely how the couple felt upon receiving advice about how to resolve their problem: diminished and trivialized.

That’s not a desirable outcome.

A better way

There’s a much better way to deal with these situations. It involves applying the basic principles underlying The Solin Process℠, which I set forth in detail in my book, Ask: How to Relate to Anyone.

Replace judgment with empathy. What if the response to the story about the alienated son was: “That must be very difficult. How are you coping with it?”

What if the advisor’s response to the client with the troubled daughter was: “Tell me more about her situation and how I might be able to help you?”

Both of those responses are questions. Instead of conveying advice, they are intended to elicit more information.

Here’s the surprising insight: When friends or clients express problems and concerns, they aren’t necessarily looking to us to “fix” them. Instead, they may want to be heard and understood.

If they want more, they will ask.

Dan trains executives and employees in the lessons based on the research of his latest book, Ask: How to Relate to Anyone. His online video course, Ask: Increase Your Sales. Deepen Your Relationships, is in production.

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