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Happy New Year everybody! If you’re using these six phrases, stop before they become 2019’s newest clichés.
“Breakaway advisor”
No advisor likes being called a breakaway advisor. First of all, it sounds like “runaway advisor,” as if you are some disgruntled, Nirvana-blaring teenager with blue hair and a pierced tongue.
The more of these soon-to-divorce-my-wirehouse advisors you talk to, the more you realize that they are more than a little resentful of being labeled this way. These people are so paranoid that they don’t want their name in the same sentence as any word implying any sort of separation.
Yes, you know who you are.
I get this email five times a day. And before I tell you what it says, let me acknowledge that the email addresses are always something like [email protected] or [email protected]. Never from a corporate email account – always so shrouded.
You would think these advisors are in a witness protection program:
Sara, I read your latest article. Love the advice about how to create a cool website. Anyways, I was thinking about maybe pursuing a new opportunity away from my current firm (they never state outright what they’re planning to do – bolt as soon as they get enough nerve up) and wanted to know if you had time to discuss how I would brand myself.
It’s like that person who whines to you about his or her spouse whenever they drink, but never gets up the courage to divorce when sober. If you’re this advisor, do it or not. But whatever you do, stop talking so much about it.
And if you’re a vendor looking to serve them, bury the term “breakaway” before I have a breakdown.
“Underserved group/population/segment”
I recently had a disgusting experience being slapped with this moniker. Let me tell you about it.
I got bamboozled into becoming a “dance mom.” Now for those of you who know anything about my personality, you recognize that this is not my thing in life. For fear of my kid ending up on the Jerry Springer show whining about her life, I agreed to it.
Well, before I got swindled for my life savings by paying for this spring’s recital (by the way, you know these recital dresses that they wear once cost as much as a wedding dress, right?), I happened to be reading the dance website’s mission page.
I was in a bad mood to begin with, and I read this inflammatory piece of text:
This dance studio was founded with the noble mission of meeting the performing arts needs of the underserved population of XX (I’m not telling you my neighborhood) compared to other parts of New York City.
What the blazes is that?
Underserved? She was making me feel like I’m a Humane Society case. Rescue me please, dance teacher, and send me a pink chiffon tutu ASAP before I end up in some Sally Struthers infomercial!
Yes, I live in a low-to-middle-income area of New York City because after I went to hoity toity schools like Harvard and NYU, I got fed up with grandeur and pretense. But I’m definitely the exception. Generally the people in my neighborhood can’t afford these bank account-bashing dance lessons, which is why nobody sells them here. You can get a cheap vintage copy of the Wu Tang Clan’s 36 Chambers album, though!
Underserved? Get outta here.
Don’t act like it’s some societal crime that certain vendors don’t want to have anything to do with certain markets. That’s called capitalism. So advisors, if you’re talking about how you want to rescue the underserved millennials, think again. They may not need the lifeline.
“Smart beta”
This is the latest buzzword in investment management. Everybody wants to make it seem like they’re a genius by touting a new way to construct indices using alternative methods, rather than the good old market-cap approach.
Here’s what’s dumb about smart beta:
- It’s still related to useless theories such as the efficient market hypothesis and CAPM. Those were great CFA exam questions, but that’s as far as their utility goes. They have no practical value in the real world.
- Everyone knows that most performance is derived from the manager being in the right place at the right time and not from any real skill. The reality is that nobody outperforms with a modicum of consistency regardless of smart beta, dumb beta, no beta. No wonder nobody wants to pay for investment management anymore.
- Everyone is calling their product smart beta, even if it isn’t really a fitting term. It’s kind of like the common cold of the investing world – just use this term when you don’t know what it really is.
So for all these reasons, it is a meaningless term. Stop using it.
“Disruption”
I’m so sick of hearing this word. “With our approach to client service, we’re disrupting the industry.”
What, so you bought the client a steak dinner twice a quarter instead of just once? Betterment was disruptive, but that’s as far as I can remember anyone doing anything creative in this industry.
“We are passionate about our clients”
Do I know you? You’re passionate about me or is it my IRA account?
This is such an exaggeration. If my accountant told me he feels passionate about my tax return, I’d laugh in his face.
Obviously you should care about me. I’m your meal ticket!
“Doing well by doing good”
Impact investing and ESG/SRI companies get away with this because they’re supposed to be the ones delivering meaning and purpose to our industry by funneling money into socially appropriate investments. But what a crock, really. It’s just a goody-too-shoes way of saying this:
- What’s good for the goose is good for the gander
- One hand washes the other
- A partnership of mutual benefit
- A win-win situation
Are you really fulfilling some noble purpose? They are paying you, after all! Don’t act like you’re Mother Teresa.
Moreover, the efficacy of ESG strategies is highly debated. Nobody in this space has a 10 year track record so there’s no real way to validate this. Who knows if these companies are actually impacting the world in a measurable way? There’s still too much money involved with big pharma to stop the opioid crisis using marijuana. Until then they only good we’ll get out of weed is enjoying smoking it. Send me a text message when that changes.
It sounds so sweet, though. Kudos to whoever thought that up.
Sara’s upshot
Hope I didn’t pop anyone’s New Year’s champagne cork too soon. It’s not that I’m in a bad mood; it’s that I just got the bill for the dance recital costume.
Anyways, if you like my humor, the good news is that I recently rolled out a membership program where you can get monthly exposure to me for less than the cost of a tap dance lesson. Check it out here .
By the way, if you want to learn to slay on LinkedIn I’m having a webinar on this subject which you can sign up for here.
Sara Grillo, CFA, is a top financial writer with a focus on marketing and branding for investment management, financial planning, and RIA firms. Prior to launching her own firm, she was a financial advisor and worked at Lehman Brothers. Sara graduated from Harvard with a degree in English literature and has an MBA from NYU Stern in quantitative finance.
Read more articles by Sara Grillo
Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.
